Angry and frustrated
Upset with events. Tired of the same old status quo. Wanting something more, but having no idea how to get there. Wondering if I missed the boat a long time ago. Have I had my chance and faltered? Or is that chance never coming? Looking for proof that what I'm doing is right for me and my family. Fearing I may never get out of this rut. Will it get better? Can it get worse? Am I too chicken to change things? Is my personality getting in the way of my judgement?
This is what happens when the ideal of what you want your life to be is intruded upon by the reality of what your life really is. All the things that are good fall to the back and all the things that are bad move to the front. Then, you start reacting to things that you never have before, you start thinking you aren't good enough, or you're too nice, or you're not talented enough, or nobody really cares. That all you are is a replaceable cog in the machine, and if you move on, nobody will care. You question yourself and wonder if it's just not your time, or you don't know the right people, or this isn't something that God wants for you.
But I've been searching for that for a long time. I've tried several things, and none of them have worked. I put my heart into something and eventually will fall on my face. I'm good at a lot of things, but great at nothing. I'm not set apart from anyone because I'm just like everyone else. We've all got problems, so why should anyone worry about mine?
I'm fighting it, but I'm really struggling with it. And I fear losing this battle, because I don't know what it will mean.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not expecting anything, because that's the way I am. I know this is public, and I know who will probably read it. I don't care. This all boils down to one simple thing, but because of my pride I'm not going to say what it is. The smart people will figure it out anyway. I'm not looking for a gift, a handout, or a shoulder to cry on. I'm just wanting confirmation that what I believe to be true is actually true. That what I hope to happen will actually someday happen. That what I pray for will actually come to be. If it won't, that's fine. All I want is a yes or no, stay or take off.
Writing is catharsis for me. I only have one outlet where it can go. Skip this if you want.
No articles this week. Move along.